Connection vs. Criticism: Insights From the Socially Inept…

by Gayle Towell

Recently, I tried to join a book group. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to indulge in my love for literature while fostering meaningful connections with fellow book enthusiasts. After all, we are social animals, and being around like-minded people who can mirror our thoughts and ideas feels comforting. Unfortunately, the reality of the experience turned out more alienating than connective.

The reasons were primarily a “me problem” as my oldest child is fond of saying. Most of it boils down to my passion for writing, which previously led me to obsessively study the craft. As I read the book chosen by the group, I felt like I could too easily see the “man behind the curtain.” Like I had a sixth sense of what earlier drafts looked like, why certain choices were made, what editorial feedback was received during the process, and how the end result came about. I also had a ton of thoughts related to the feedback I would have given if I’d had the chance, and it would have been…let’s call it “thorough.” The end result was that I was unimpressed by the book and felt like it failed on many fronts, and I gained nothing from reading it but disappointment.

How the Book Club Went

When the book club discussions began, I was part curious what others would say, and part ready to point out all the contrived choices and resulting storytelling flaws. Alas, I found myself surrounded by surface-level comments and inane observations. It was as if I was witnessing the story from an entirely different vantage point. The disconnection left me feeling so out of place, part of me wanted to run from the room. It was so uncomfortable. Like, how could no one else see what I saw? I held back from sharing my thoughts because I could only imagine they’d be perceived as unnecessarily critical or pretentious.

There was discussion also on the next book that would be read. And my friends, I can only classify it as “chick lit” which, sure, has its place, but I couldn’t even.

Why Am I Like This?

I took this as an opportunity to reflect on my general inclination to seek out flaws and dissect nuances – not just in books, but in just about anything. When I was deep into the world of fiction writing and workshopping, it was an integral part of my growth. I also found at that time that different people perceived my somewhat vicious feedback differently. Some were extremely hurt or turned off by it, while others sought it out. I, in turn, sought out critiques that were blunt and challenging more than those which felt like empty praise. And I feel very strongly that this led to rapid growth.

I often take this approach when learning new skills or diving into a new situation. I dissect, look for critical feedback, dig, obsess, ask way too many questions, start pointing out flaws in others or in processes, and on and on, because I not only want to understand, but I want to optimize and perfect.

But then I struggle with this strange duality where I feel like I want meaningful connection with others, but my tendency to point out flaws, disagree with fine points, and seek deeper exploration leads to alienation. It’s like the features of myself that make me who I am – that drive me toward growth, improvement, and understanding – are the very features that make others view me as weird and toxic.

The Challenge of Connecting

As social animals, we crave connections with others who resonate with our thoughts and ideas. Human interactions often involve mirroring, where we seek validation through shared perspectives. It’s a comforting feeling when someone mirrors our thoughts, and it validates our beliefs, providing a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Striking the right balance between expressing constructive criticism and fostering meaningful connections can be a delicate task, and it’s one that I continue to navigate. This internal struggle can be frustrating at times, leaving me questioning my approach to human interactions.

I suppose this is one of the reasons Feral Polymaths was created. Surely there must be other socially volatile obsessives out there I can connect with! But it also provides an outlet for exploring the roots of my weirdness. I could be conceited and just say it’s because I’m oh so smart. But I’m sure some serious insecurities underlie it as well. Like: Perhaps I always want to be as accurate and precise and clear as possible so that no one can refute my reasoning or my handle on reality. Or something like that…

Welcome to Feral Polymaths: A Haven for the Unapologetically Curious

Welcome to Feral Polymaths, the brainchild of two best friends, Gayle Towell and Marylea Quintana. If you’ve landed here, it’s likely because you too feel the incessant pull of diverse ideas and interests that tug at your soul, demanding exploration. Yes, this is our second welcome message, but it is longer and more thorough, and an indication that you can expect actual blog posts to start showing up here soon as well.

Why “Feral Polymaths”? You might wonder. The name itself is an embodiment of our spirit. “Feral” signifies the untamed, wild nature of our quest for knowledge and creativity. “Polymaths” stands for individuals who indulge in multiple areas of knowledge and expertise. Together, it paints a picture of fierce, untamed intellectual pursuit across a spectrum of interests.

Our journey began in our college days, filled with late-night conversations, debates, and a shared insatiable hunger for knowledge. Today, as 40-somethings, our lives might have taken on the hue of adulthood responsibilities – juggling careers, parenting, and trying to keep our sanity in the midst of global pandemics. Yet, the fervor for ideas, for understanding, for exploration never dimmed.

Over the years, we felt cornered by the world’s expectations. Society often paints women, especially mothers, with a single brush, confining them to certain roles and expectations. But here’s the thing: being a mother doesn’t mute the polymath within. It fuels it. The myriad experiences, challenges, and lessons of motherhood only add layers to our multifaceted personas.

That’s why Feral Polymaths is more than just a podcast. It’s a movement. It’s a clarion call to all those who feel stifled by societal norms. It’s a testament to the fact that you can be a mom, a nerd, an artist, a scientist, and anything else your heart desires, all at once.

In our podcast episodes and in our blog posts, expect authenticity. We’ll dive deep into our experiences, discussing how we balance our diverse passions with motherhood, the lessons we’ve learned, the challenges we’ve faced, and how, through it all, we’ve grown as individuals. Our stories are not just our own; they mirror countless others who’ve felt confined by labels.

We created Feral Polymaths as a sanctuary for thoughts that didn’t fit into neat boxes. As you navigate through our content, anticipate a delightful chaos of ideas – from the artistic to the scientific, the introspective to the external, the comforting to the uncomfortable.

Bear with us. As with any passionate venture, ours too might have its rough edges as we find our rhythm. But it’s the raw, genuine nature of this journey that makes it beautiful. Here, we don’t shy away from the unanswered; we embrace it.

So, if you’ve ever felt the weight of unexpressed ideas, if you’ve ever felt torn between different passions, or if you’ve ever felt boxed in by societal expectations, know that you’ve found your tribe. Welcome home.

Join us. Let’s redefine norms together. Let’s celebrate the feral spirit within us. Let’s be unapologetically curious. Welcome to Feral Polymaths.

Warmly,
Gayle & Marylea

Feral Polymaths Episode 6

Spoiler alert: this episode contains discussions of the movies Barbie, and Oppenheimer.
In this episode we dive into:

  • Working with Professionals: Trusting professionals, especially during business ventures, can be unnerving. We also touched on the lack of transparency in professional fee structures.
  • Customer Service Woes: Navigating customer service can be a nightmare! We shared personal frustrations, from inaccessible contact numbers to unhelpful humans.
  • Religious Abuse: We define the concept and discuss the psychological impacts and importance.
  • Communism and Social Contracts: A conversation ensues about the necessity and challenges of having common principles or systems that govern societal behavior. There’s a mention of atheism and how different belief systems fit into societal constructs. We explored the theoretical allure of communism, its challenges in real-world application, and how human behavior often deviates from the ideal.
  • Barbie Movie: Surprisingly, the Barbie movie exceeded our expectations. We delved into the world-building, narrative consistency, and the emotional resonance it had, especially in relation to our own children.
  • Oppenheimer Movie: This film made us reflect deeply on the dual nature of scientific discovery — the excitement of innovation paired with the grave consequences of the atomic bomb.
  • Influencing Children: We pondered on the balance of comfort and challenge in parenting.

Feral Polymaths Episode 5

To infinity and beyond!

In this episode: 

  • Marylea discusses a recent art show and experiences organizing events with artists in the Lower East Side.
  • We share frustrations with the healthcare system, especially when dealing with minor medical issues and obtaining medications.
  • Marylea explains what “getting off the margin” means in poetry.
  • Gayle discusses the Wolfram Physics Project, an attempt to find a fundamental theory of physics using graph theory and simple rules to model the universe.
  • We touch on computation and complexity, including irreducible complexity.
  • How Wolfram’s approach might explain why other attempts at a fundamental theory haven’t aligned with observable phenomena.
  • Openness and criticism of Wolfram’s Project:
  • We pivot to infinity and Cantor’s Diagonal Argument, as well as countable and uncountable infinities.:
  • We discuss whether the universe is discrete or continuous, including how Wolfram’s physics project suggests a discrete universe with finer granular scales relative to our perception.
  • The conversation then delves into the role of infinity in calculus and physics.

Feral Polymaths Episode 4

Cultural differences, cowboys, and chaos.

In this episode:

  • We discuss facial hair envy, and our fascination with mustaches..
  • A chat about societal norms like leg shaving and how we make choices based on different social situations.
  • Marylea shares her learnings about the bond market and how it differs from the stock market.
  • We discuss the importance of financial literacy in general and how the complexity of taxes can be stressful.
  • We talked about cultural differences brought by different groups of people settling in America, like the Puritans and Quakers, and how those differences persist today.
  • The impact of accents and dialects on communication and culture are explored.
  • A talk about the history of language and how certain speech patterns and dialects have been carried over through generations of immigrants from different parts of the world.
  • We explore the idea of communication and how various forms of communication, such as music, art, and memes, play a role in human interaction and understanding.
  • A discussion on the challenges of modern life, such as feeling disconnected from others, especially during stressful times like the COVID-19 pandemic. This includes the topic of family dynamics and the pressures placed on families as the sole source of emotional well-being, which can be overwhelming.
  • We reflect on our own aging and the changes that come with it.

Feral Polymaths Episode 3

A bit of randomness, including queer and trans discussions. Also, if you want Gayle’s kid to tattoo you, visit pige_ontoes on Instagram.

In this episode:

  • A recap of our recent absence due to illnesses and busy schedules.
  • Discussion of how we juggle multiple responsibilities using lists and planners.
  • We recognize the positive aspects of intense focus and curiosity.
  • We explore the concept of overexcitabilities and reframe mental health challenges.
  • Marylea explains the concept of “queer failure” and its connection to identity.
  • We share personal experiences with body image, gender identity, and societal expectations.
  • Gayle reflects on the challenges and importance of supporting a trans child, emphasizing the need for empathy, open communication, and understanding.
  • We discuss the complexities of decisions regarding hormone therapy for trans children and stress the importance of informed consent and open discussion.
  • Gayle shares experiences of talking to a therapist about a child’s gender identity and further explores the complexities of decisions regarding medicalization for trans children.
  • We discuss the role of adulthood in making certain life-altering decisions.
  • We highlight the joy of seeing children grow into their unique selves.

Feral Polymaths Episode 2

Check out the next episode of our podcast in which we discuss language, math, and the mysterious divide between the technical and the creative!

In this episode:

  1. We reintroduce ourselves and the podcast’s goal, which is to explore ideas, engage in debates, and investigate various topics, aiming to understand humanity and our place in the universe.
  2. Marylea shares what she learned about the “Three Sisters” agricultural practice from the book “Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer. This practice involves planting corn, beans, and squash together, creating a symbiotic and efficient growing system used by Native Americans.
  3. We explore language and its relationship with mathematical laws, mentioning Zipf’s law, which describes word usage frequency in large texts.
  4. We discuss the mysterious divide between the technical and the creative fields, emphasizing the importance of bridging these disciplines to explore the potential synergy between math, science, language, and creativity.
  5. We explore how mathematical laws and patterns can also be observed in creative endeavors like language and DNA, challenging the traditional notion of a clear boundary between the technical and the creative realms.
  6. Gayle expresses annoyance with people’s lack of awareness and efficiency in crowded places, using a visit to Costco as an example.
  7. The conversation touches on empathy-building and challenging negative assumptions about others.
  8. We discuss the divide between people who go into STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) and those who pursue creative fields, noting that both fields can be connected.
  9. A discussion on the potential impact of AI on creativity, art, and communication, as we speculate on how AI can change art, prompting people to think across domains more.
  10. We touch on the debate between abstract art and representational art and the role of perception in experiencing art.

Feral Polymaths Episode 1

This is the inaugural episode of our new podcast. We apologize in advance for less-than-ideal audio and ask that you bear with us as we optimize. Look for new episodes weekly!

In this episode:

  • We introduce ourselves as long-time friends who met at Smith College during our undergraduate days.
  • We discuss diverse interests, which include math, physics, biology, human behavior, art, writing, creativity, psychology, artificial intelligence, and more.
  • Frustration with societal expectations of middle-aged moms and our desire to break free from the “mom shell” stereotype.
  • Our different social awkwardness and tendencies towards misanthropy and gregariousness.
  • Exploration of the concept of reality and how our perceptions and interpretations may distort it.
  • We share thoughts on intelligence, being labeled as gifted, and the challenges it can present in relating to others.
  • Gayle discusses her experiences in a book group and her tendency to find flaws and critique writing.
  • We talk about the challenge of connecting with people and the feeling of alienation when others don’t share our perspectives.
  • The idea of detachment and attachment in relationships, along with a humorous anecdote about Marylea bringing her cat to a bank meeting.
  • We express hope that the podcast will be entertaining and resonate with other like-minded individuals, offering a sense of connection and reassurance to those who feel their thoughts are piling up without an outlet.